I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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