It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
