Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize