The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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