she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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