Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
