She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
