Tell her she can't have a vagina
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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