i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
