The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize