I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
