We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
