The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
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