i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
he thought i was a dude.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
