There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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