I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
