I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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