he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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