i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
