Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
