I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize