So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
