Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I think my fart just growled at me.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
jump out the window naked night went bad
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
