so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
