I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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