I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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