just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
