i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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