dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
