Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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