So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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