tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
