genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
