I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
