all she had left on were here heels. phone five
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize