I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
