The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
