I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Randomize