just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
