If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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