Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
