apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
