The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
