I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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