I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
