There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
