Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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