Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
The air was thick with penises
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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