She went from zero to smokin in five shots
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
