You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
