Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
