Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
