I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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