meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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