so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
