Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
