Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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