she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
