Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
