Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
