I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
