our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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