Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
