he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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