Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
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