gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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