You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
so let's talk penis.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
