I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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