Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
